By Fiorella Bianchi, LCSW, CCTP

Alright...Let’s talk about it. Self-Sabotage—Yep you know what I'm talking about. You know that little voice in your head that whispers, “You’re not good enough” or “You don’t deserve this”? It’s sneaky, and it has a way of feeding into anxiety, creating this exhausting cycle where we feel stuck and overwhelmed. So, how do we break out of it? In this post, we’re going to explore the concept of self-sabotage and anxiety, how to spot these patterns in your life, and some practical ways to take back control.
Self-sabotage is about habits, and habits can be changed. With awareness, compassion, and some steady effort, you can start to shift those old patterns and create new ones that support your growth and success.
Understanding Self-Sabotage
Self-sabotage has a way of creeping into our lives in ways we often recognize but struggle to stop. People self-sabotage for a variety of reasons, often tied to deep-rooted fears, past experiences, or unconscious beliefs about themselves. It can look like procrastination, negative self-talk, or even pushing away healthy relationships. For example, think about someone who constantly misses deadlines at work—not because they’re lazy, but because they’re afraid they won’t measure up. Surprisingly, some also fear success because it might bring more responsibility or change, which can feel uncomfortable or out of control. It can often be rooted in a fear of both failure and success. Research shows that around 70% of people experience these feelings at some point, which can lead to habits that hold us back (KPMG, 2019).
The first step to breaking this cycle is recognizing those behaviors. Here are a few questions to reflect on:
What patterns keep showing up in my life?
Am I avoiding something out of fear—like failure, rejection, or success?
Am I setting realistic expectations for myself, or am I aiming for perfection?
Do I ever feel guilty or unworthy when things are going well?
How do I react when I feel overwhelmed—do I lean into the discomfort or avoid it?

Taking the first steps toward holding yourself accountable can be challenging, especially if you’re used to falling into old patterns of anxiety or self-sabotage. However, it’s an essential part of building the life you want. By embracing accountability, you begin to take ownership of your choices and actions, which allows you to break free from the cycles that hold you back. While it might feel uncomfortable at first, this shift is necessary to create lasting change and start moving toward your goals with confidence and clarity. I always tell my clients, " you've spent (x) years living the way you have, you believe that a couple therapy sessions and months of practice is going to take it away? this takes time".
The Role of Anxiety in Self-Sabotage
Anxiety has a way of shaping the choices we make, often without us even realizing it. When we’re anxious, our brains tend to lean on protective instincts that can cloud our judgment. This might look like avoiding certain situations altogether or falling into the trap of perfectionism. Studies show that around 30% of adults experience this kind of anxiety, which can lead to a mindset that feels limiting and keeps us from growing (Kessler et al. (2005).
Recognizing what sets off your anxiety is a key step. Take a moment to reflect: What situations make you feel anxious? For example, if the idea of public speaking fills you with dread, you might avoid opportunities that require giving presentations—even if they could help you grow professionally. By identifying and facing these triggers, you give yourself the power to overcome them, instead of letting them hold you back.
Learning Honesty with Oneself
Honesty is such a powerful tool when it comes to overcoming self-sabotage. It starts with taking a step back and really looking at your life choices. I know, it can be scary sometimes to admit that the choices you've made had out you in this position - but it's difficult to learn from a situation with out admitting what got you there. Ask yourself; Are your life choices helping you move forward, or are they driven by fear? Are the decisions you’re making aligned with what truly matters to you, or are they keeping you stuck?
Here are a few questions to reflect on:
What fears might be driving my decisions right now?
Am I letting other people’s opinions affect how I see myself or what I believe I’m capable of?
If I knew I couldn’t fail, what would I do differently?
Sitting with these questions and answering them honestly can open the door to deeper self-awareness. That self-awareness is key to breaking old patterns and making choices that actually serve you and the life you want.

Owning Your Choices
Once you have identified self-sabotaging behaviors, it’s time to take ownership of your choices. This shift, from blaming others to recognizing your influence, may feel daunting. Yet, owning your choices can lead to empowerment. Start small by pinpointing specific areas where you can take charge.
For instance, if you are unhappy in your job, consider updating your resume or seeking new opportunities. Each step taken reduces anxiety and illustrates that you control your life.
Self-sabotage is about habits, and habits can be changed. With awareness, compassion, and some steady effort, you can start to shift those old patterns and create new ones that support your growth and success.
Breaking the Cycle of Self-Sabotage
Breaking self-sabotage isn’t easy, but with some effort and a shift in how you think, it’s completely possible. Here are a few steps to help you get started:
1. Recognize the Patterns
The first step is noticing when you’re sabotaging yourself. Whether it’s procrastination, perfectionism, or avoiding challenges, acknowledging these patterns is key. Pay attention to what triggers your self-doubt or fear.
2. Examine Your Fears
Self-sabotage is often driven by fear—fear of failure, fear of success, fear of judgment. Dive into what’s fueling these fears and ask yourself whether they’re based on reality or just assumptions. Sometimes, just naming the fear can take away its power.
3. Challenge Negative Self-Talk
We can be our harshest critics. Pay attention to the negative things you tell yourself. When you catch yourself thinking "I'm not good enough" or "I’ll never succeed," pause and challenge those thoughts. Replace them with affirmations that are more balanced and rooted in reality.
4. Set Realistic Goals
Setting small, achievable goals can help break the cycle of self-sabotage. Trying to do everything at once can overwhelm you, which might cause you to give up before you even get started. Break big goals into manageable steps.
5. Shift Your Mindset to Growth
Instead of focusing on perfection or avoiding mistakes, embrace a growth mindset. Mistakes are part of the learning process. Embrace them as opportunities to grow rather than reasons to quit.
6. Hold Yourself Accountable
Accountability is huge. Whether it’s a friend, a mentor, or even just tracking your progress, having someone or something to keep you in check can make a big difference. It helps you stay focused and committed, even when you’re tempted to fall back into old habits.
7. Be Compassionate with Yourself
Breaking self-sabotage doesn’t happen overnight. Be kind to yourself when you slip up, and remember that growth takes time. Don’t let one setback convince you that you can’t do it.
8. Take Action Despite the Fear
Often, the best way to break self-sabotage is to take action even when you’re scared or unsure. The more you do it, the easier it gets. The key is to start small and keep pushing forward, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

Final Thoughts on Self-Sabotage
Self-sabotage and anxiety can create a tough cycle, but recognizing how they work together is a big step toward change. By being honest with yourself and taking ownership of your decisions, you can start improving your relationship with yourself. Rather than sitting in the "WHY ME?!" — Learn to question "What is this teaching me?". The truth is, we’re often our own biggest obstacle. But with some self-compassion and commitment, we can break down those walls we put up and create room for personal growth and fulfillment.
It’s time to take that first step toward confronting self-sabotage. Embrace the challenge and remind yourself—you’ve got everything it takes to create your own path.
References:
Kessler, R. C., Berglund, P., Demler, O., Jin, R., Merikangas, K. R., & Walters, E. E. (2005). Lifetime prevalence and age-of-onset distributions of DSM-IV disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Archives of General Psychiatry, 62(6), 593–602. https://doi.org/10.1001/archpsyc.62.6.593
KPMG. (2019). Advancing the future of women in business: A KPMG women's leadership study. KPMG. Retrieved from https://home.kpmg/us/en/home.html
— Fiorella Bianchi, LCSW, CCTP is owner and lead therapist for adolescents and adults at Holistic Minds Collective. Her focus includes working with Anxiety, Depressive and Personality Disorders in adolescents and young adults, and has extensive experience in several fields, including academia, behavioral, and clinical. Fiorella has received her EMDR certification and is committed to advancing her specialization in trauma and emotional response, further enhancing her expertise in this critical area of mental health.
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